How does one define "Independance"?

I have been feeling down and unmotivated recently. Most of it is the raging hormones in my BIG body and a small part is a long-term issue which has been bothering me since we moved to Sweden - independence, or rather, the lack of it.

I started working since I was 18 because there was a need then for someone to bring home stable income in the family. I wasn't earning much working as a HR clerk but I was happy. I provided financial stability (more or less) to my family and was saving some of my bonuses to buy presents for myself and family. I realised very early that to be able to get recognition and good pay, I have to focus in one area and be really good in it. So I selected Human Resources and never miss any opportunities to request the company I was working for, to send me for training courses and upgrades. Years down the road, I can say that I became quite good in what I was doing and had achieve some sort of recognition within the HR circle. Head hunters and recruiters called and had recommended me to their clients. As a result, I was fortunate to be able to always work in big MNCs (except for my 1st job) and was enjoying my independence.

Of course along the way, I made one bad choice (which wasn't that bad since I got 2 wonderful kids out of it!) and got myself in a huge debt. I kicked the toxins out of my life after a few years and continued trying to pick up the pieces and was carrying a big load on my shoulders. Then I met my hubby, who had and always been supportive and encouraging. I began to see light. He offered to help me with the huge debt which I flatly refused. After all, they were the result of my stupidity and so I felt that I had to be "punished" in that way. So there I was, being a single parent, supporting my family (my parents weren't working and my brother was in the army), stuck in a job with the most horrible boss in the world (I was working in Flextronics!!!!) and struggling to fight off the creditors every month.

I started to feel that my life is out of control, I looked fine on the surface but inside was falling apart. I began to lose sleep, appetite and started to see only the negative side of everything. I went to our family doctor and after several times of prescribing me with sleeping pills, he recommended me to see a psychiatrist. After 2 consultations, I decided to stop going because she was just lousy and the pills she prescribed were making me lose focus and in a daze all the time, which was bad since I need to be "there" for my family and to work.

I made a resolution to pull myself together from the dark spiral. I tried everything, herbs, self-hypnotism (which was just a joke!)and re-channelling my focus somewhere else. It felt impossible at that time but the thought that my 2 small babies needed me kept me focused. If I wasn't there anymore for them, they will have to go back to that toxin, and their lives would not turn out good. It took me 2 years to begin to see that my life was going in the right direction and to regain control. And during that period, hubby insisted and stubbornly helped me with my huge debt. I was angry at him in the beginning, because it showed that I was being incompetent but his act helped a lot in relieving my burden and put me on right path. I will forever be grateful to him for pulling me up at my lowest

We are happily married now and our lives together is blissful. However, I kept feeling a hallow inside which can't be fulfilled by anything (and trust me, I have tried to fill it up with everything! Especially food...). I know I miss my independence. I don't have a single cent of my own. If Lars is away somewhere far on business trip, I can't even afford to pay for a taxi ride! (yup, no credit card too, it's evil...) I can't drive, well, even if I can, where do I find money to top up gas? Just the other day, the ice cream truck came and I don't even have money to buy ice cream... Being financial dependence on someone else gives me a lot of insecurities and not contributing to the family's income makes me feel useless. Of course I'll try to convince myself that being a stay home mom is an important job and it is the most valuable experience one can give to the children, but it doesn't work most of the time, well... it never works actually.

These days I wakes up thinking "ok, another day.", after all I don't have weekends or holidays to look forward to. Saturday and Sunday are the same to me as Monday and Tuesday, of course it sucks when hubby has to come home late, but he has to do it to support the family, so I can't complain about that. Once in awhile, I can still feel the pull of the dark depression black-hole, trying to suck me in. Thanks to years of training, I am able to make a conscious mental switch to re-direct my concentration elsewhere.


Life is simple for me, not satisfying and fulfilling enough but at least it is peaceful. And that is enough for me.... at least right now.

Fast-Learning Ivan

The satisfaction of being a stay-at-home mom is when you see how much your baby is learning and being directly involved in his learning process.

Ivan, being almost 2 years old (he's turning 2 on 23rd next month!), has learnt to feed himself and he is pretty good at it - not extremely messy and always manages to get most of the food in his mouth. In fact, nowadays he insists on feeding himself. So the usual routine is that I'll prepare his food and a cup of milk (he likes milk), he'll then carry his own small chair, which we bought from Ikea, and places the chair beside the table in the living room and have his meal in front of the tv. I know, I know, I should insist that he sits by the dining table in the kitchen to eat (which he does when we have breakfast or dinner together), but if he's eating alone, especially during lunch, the only way to make sure he sits and finish his meal is in front of the tv... (please don't call the social services....!)

He is also very polite. He always says "Tack" ("thank you" in Swedish) when we give him something or help him with something, and we'll say "Varsågod" (this word can be used in many other situation but when you say it after someone thank you it means "You're welcome") in reply. In fact, sometimes I think he's overly polite. Like yesterday when Angel poured him his cup of milk, he looked at his elder sister and said "Tack." Angel was engrossed in watching the tv and didn't say "Varsågod" back to him. So he put his face in front of Angel and said "Tack. Tack. Tackar. Tackar (it means "Thank you" too). T-aaaaa-ccccc-k.".....

He is very good in talking on the phone to his "friends/business associates" too. He'll put the phone to his ear and walks around (copying daddy who can't sit still to talk on the phone, his brain doesn't work so good when he's not moving...). Sometimes the "conversation" gets funny or interesting and he'll laugh out loud , other times the "business calls" gets annoying and he'll say "Nej! Nej!" (which means "No") and shakes his head, looking really annoying and probably thinking why is he talking to an idiot... There are times when he receives good "calls" and he'll nod his head several times with a "good-to-hear-that-you're-following-my-instruction" look on his face... I told Lars that Ivan will be a good receptionist in his company, though the conversations will be mostly one-sided...

Today, he has learnt to put on clothes! He pulled out Jovan's tshirt from my freshly-washed laundry and tried to put it on.


Well....he almost did it. One of his little legs was sticking out from one of the armholes and the other was sticking out from the neck...but the concept is there!

So the next "to-learn" thing on the list (a very looooooong one too) is to get him to be potty/toilet-train.

One more milestone waiting to be achieve.

One of the bad days...

Woke up this morning feeling that my head was at the point of exploding. Been having pounding headache throughout the night. Also, my right pelvis hurts like crazy when I walk or change position. Checked on the Internet and apparently this is another one of those problems which is common among some pregnant women. The term is call "Round Ligament Pain" and it happens because the ligament stretch and thickens to support the growing uterus, so every time when I apply pressure on my right side, I'll get a stabbing pain. Nothing much I can do about this, except to deliver the baby.

On top of these, Ivan, who has no idea that mummy is in pain from head to toe, was his usual self - wanted to play, wanted to be carried, wanted to be entertained. I was feeling so lousy, the last thing on earth I want to do is make dinner. I was willing to stab my own thigh if food can just appear on my table. (And I'm not kidding!) So I made the lazy man food which is not so healthy - meatballs with macaroni and brown sauce.....

With 2 more months to go, I can really feel my body going through more pain and stress. Luckily for me I have an extremely sweet and considerate husband and very good kids. They know that when mummy is unhappy, nobody is happy.

I asked hubby this morning, when all I want to do is to stay in bed the whole day, if he can take a day off, totally forgot that he is on his consultant assignment at Flextronics (An evil company and a stupid one too!). He laughed, thinking I was joking and realizing that I wasn't, said that he can't, looking extremely sorry. I should slap myself! I had made him feel guilty for not being able to stay home, I knew that his consulting assignment is running on very tight dateline and he really can't afford to be away. However, he did called a couple of times during the day to makes sure that I'm alright and hadn't suffer a mental breakdown.

This made me felt really bad the whole day. There are times when I don't put myself in my hubby's shoes. Some days I was so sick of making food, I'll asked him if we can have MacDonald's or pizza instead. Most time he'll agree. Once in a blue moon, he'll comment that we really can't afford to eat like this too often based on our current financial situation. *MacDonald is expensive here compared to back home in Singapore, a kid's meal cost 49kr (S$10.15) and a normal meal cost around 69kr (S$14.30)* We are not poor (in case my friends and relatives reading my blog now, is rushing to start a fundraising project for me!), however, Lars is not taking a lot of salary from his company (enough to support the family though) and I'm working at all, so it is understandable that we can't afford to have expensive meals too often.

I know he doesn't mean anything negative but just wants to remind me to be mindful of how we spend, but every time when he said that, I would feel like the biggest idiot in the world. I'm a stay-at-home mom, so my job is to keep the apartment in a reasonably clean condition, take care of the family and make healthy food. Hubby is the one bring home money, I don't bring home a single cent, instead there I was asking to buy expensive junk food to feed the family.... I should be ashamed.

Having living here for 3 years, I still feel like a foreigner. I don't speak Swedish, even though I can read and understand quite well. I guess this is just like some of us who are really afraid to speak in public. I always feel that people are scrutinizing my every word and pronunciation, in my mind a single mistake is being magnified a thousand times. Lars's family and relatives accepts Jovan, Angel and me with open arms. Kiddos speaks good and fluent Swedish but I still speaks English to everybody, even though all our family and friends speak Swedish to me. I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb because I refuse to speak Swedish, especially during family gatherings. I usually don't speak so much, which is a complete opposition of the real me. It was hard to shut me up back home in Singapore! Some times I let my mind wonders during the gatherings, so I'm quite sure that some of our relatives and friends might think that I'm weird or maybe even not so smart!

All these thinking make me miss home more. If we're in Singapore, I can get a fairly well-paid job, socialize with my friends and enjoying the support and help from my family (since we don't live so far away, Lars's mom and brother lives about 2 hours drive away from us - not possible to arrange any last minute baby-sitting at all). I guess what I really miss is being me, the one who brings home money and get satisfaction from a job well-done, instead of me now - the one who stays home, can't contribute to the family financially and likes to complain, I hate the me in Sweden. Some days these feelings are manageable, I can pull myself out of these thoughts and focus on the good things that I have - loving husband and good kids. Other days, these feelings just spiral out of control - all I want is to fly home.

Today is one of those bad days.

Jovan & National Service - ISN'T IT TOO EARLY??!!

I was checking the expiry dates on Jovan and Angel's passports the other night. Their passports will expire in 2011, so if we are going back to S'pore next year, we have to renew them. And then it dawned on me that Jovan will be 10 next year and I thought I should check on his military service status with MINDef (Ministry of Defence).

It turns out that for all male S'pore citizen between 11 to 17 yrs old, they need to apply for exit permit from MINDef to go overseas and if they're staying overseas to study, a security bond of S$75,000 must be provided to ICA (Immigration and Custom Authority) to ensure that they will be back to serve their military service after their study or by the age of 18. So if we renew Jovan's passport next year, he'll only be granted a passport which will be valid only up till when he reaches 11yrs old! After that, we have to apply for an exit permit and submit the security bond!!!

ISN'T IT TOO EARLY TO TALK ABOUT SERVING THE COUNTRY AT 11 YRS OLD??!!

Now we have a situation! Jovan definitely needs to go back to serve his obligation, unless we give up the citizenship by taking on Sweden's citizenship. An option which I resist. He will probably need to take up military service here in Sweden because he has been staying here for more than 5 years. (The chance of this happening is very low though, since they have more than enough people to go to the army and most boys here have never serve the military obligations) So for now, we just need to focus to make sure he gets permission to stay here to study and go back only when he's needed.

Lars and I had a talk about this. We both agree that it is a good life experience to be in the army, it'll enrich him. However, Lars has this thinking that being in the army in S'pore is not as real as it is in Sweden. Well, I agree that the conditions here are harsher because they really go all the way to remote places, which means that they can't come home for a long period of time, endure extreme cold, hunger, etc. but I think it's all about being in a different living environment than the comfort of home, so it doesn't matter if he's doing it here in Sweden or S'pore. And I definitely think that he should (well he have to anyway) do it in S'pore, since he spends most of his life in Sweden, it'll be good to expose him to the different cultures and learn more about the country which he was born.

I have sent an email to the S'pore ambassador to Sweden (who is based in S'pore... ) hoping he can answer or direct me to the relevant people to clarity the situation and to find out what are the options available. Hopefully we'll get a reply soon.

"What did he say?!"

Angel came home yesterday and told me that one of her classmate, John A (they have 2 Johns in the class, so they added the first alphabet of their last names to differentiate) asked her if he has got a chance with her (this seems to be the trend among kids here... Jovan got asked by his classmate, Amanda, last year as well), i.e. can he be her boyfriend.

Mommy: "What?! You go tell him that he is only allowed to ask this question when he starts working and starts earning his own money! So what did you say?"

Angel: (Laughing uncontrollably)"I just laugh!"

Mommy: "And what did he do?"

Angel: (Still laughing) "He found a cardboard box and pretended that it was our wedding car!"

Mommy: "What?!" (starting to have a bad feeling about this John A character...)

Angel: "I was laughing and then he went to ask my friend Sanica the same question!"

Mommy: "So he was just going around asking every girl the same question?"

Angel: "I don't know." (She think this whole thing is just super funny.)

Hubby came home late, and I told him about this.

Hubby: "What did he say?! Is he from the same class? They are not allowed to play with each other anymore and this boy is not allowed to go near Angel!"

Looks like daddy has started his "Elimination" with boys who get too close to his little princess....

Heavy Metal Singer

We were having dinner last night and hubby started telling about one singer which he used to like.

Hubby: "I used to like E-Type. You know him?"

Me: "The skinny guy with the long, curly hair?"

Hubby: "Yeah, he used to be a heavy metal singer and recently he tried to use heavy metal music to convert them into techno. Really cool."

Me: "Hm...." (No talking with food in mouth)

Hubby: "And he has got long hair because he used to be into heavy metal."

Angel: "So is he heavy?"

Baby Talk With Hubby

Hubby and I usually will have a small chat while lying in bed, before we fall asleep. Recently, the baby in my tummy is very active when I'm lying in bed, waiting to fall asleep. He'll be kicking, stretching and performing I-don't-know-what-probably-yoga movements in my tummy which makes it really tricky for me to sleep. Sometimes I'll wake up in the middle of the night from his violent kicking! (Football player in the making?)

The other night, I told hubby about these kicking and that maybe that's why I have problem sleeping well at night.

Hubby: "Maybe you can put a pillow under your tummy? Will it be better?"

Me: "No, he'll still kick anyway."

Hubby: "Try covering your tummy with the blanket properly."

Me: "Why?"

Hubby: (in his usual matter-of-fact tone) "Then it'll be really dark inside and he'll know that it's time to sleep."