How does one define "Independance"?

I have been feeling down and unmotivated recently. Most of it is the raging hormones in my BIG body and a small part is a long-term issue which has been bothering me since we moved to Sweden - independence, or rather, the lack of it.

I started working since I was 18 because there was a need then for someone to bring home stable income in the family. I wasn't earning much working as a HR clerk but I was happy. I provided financial stability (more or less) to my family and was saving some of my bonuses to buy presents for myself and family. I realised very early that to be able to get recognition and good pay, I have to focus in one area and be really good in it. So I selected Human Resources and never miss any opportunities to request the company I was working for, to send me for training courses and upgrades. Years down the road, I can say that I became quite good in what I was doing and had achieve some sort of recognition within the HR circle. Head hunters and recruiters called and had recommended me to their clients. As a result, I was fortunate to be able to always work in big MNCs (except for my 1st job) and was enjoying my independence.

Of course along the way, I made one bad choice (which wasn't that bad since I got 2 wonderful kids out of it!) and got myself in a huge debt. I kicked the toxins out of my life after a few years and continued trying to pick up the pieces and was carrying a big load on my shoulders. Then I met my hubby, who had and always been supportive and encouraging. I began to see light. He offered to help me with the huge debt which I flatly refused. After all, they were the result of my stupidity and so I felt that I had to be "punished" in that way. So there I was, being a single parent, supporting my family (my parents weren't working and my brother was in the army), stuck in a job with the most horrible boss in the world (I was working in Flextronics!!!!) and struggling to fight off the creditors every month.

I started to feel that my life is out of control, I looked fine on the surface but inside was falling apart. I began to lose sleep, appetite and started to see only the negative side of everything. I went to our family doctor and after several times of prescribing me with sleeping pills, he recommended me to see a psychiatrist. After 2 consultations, I decided to stop going because she was just lousy and the pills she prescribed were making me lose focus and in a daze all the time, which was bad since I need to be "there" for my family and to work.

I made a resolution to pull myself together from the dark spiral. I tried everything, herbs, self-hypnotism (which was just a joke!)and re-channelling my focus somewhere else. It felt impossible at that time but the thought that my 2 small babies needed me kept me focused. If I wasn't there anymore for them, they will have to go back to that toxin, and their lives would not turn out good. It took me 2 years to begin to see that my life was going in the right direction and to regain control. And during that period, hubby insisted and stubbornly helped me with my huge debt. I was angry at him in the beginning, because it showed that I was being incompetent but his act helped a lot in relieving my burden and put me on right path. I will forever be grateful to him for pulling me up at my lowest

We are happily married now and our lives together is blissful. However, I kept feeling a hallow inside which can't be fulfilled by anything (and trust me, I have tried to fill it up with everything! Especially food...). I know I miss my independence. I don't have a single cent of my own. If Lars is away somewhere far on business trip, I can't even afford to pay for a taxi ride! (yup, no credit card too, it's evil...) I can't drive, well, even if I can, where do I find money to top up gas? Just the other day, the ice cream truck came and I don't even have money to buy ice cream... Being financial dependence on someone else gives me a lot of insecurities and not contributing to the family's income makes me feel useless. Of course I'll try to convince myself that being a stay home mom is an important job and it is the most valuable experience one can give to the children, but it doesn't work most of the time, well... it never works actually.

These days I wakes up thinking "ok, another day.", after all I don't have weekends or holidays to look forward to. Saturday and Sunday are the same to me as Monday and Tuesday, of course it sucks when hubby has to come home late, but he has to do it to support the family, so I can't complain about that. Once in awhile, I can still feel the pull of the dark depression black-hole, trying to suck me in. Thanks to years of training, I am able to make a conscious mental switch to re-direct my concentration elsewhere.


Life is simple for me, not satisfying and fulfilling enough but at least it is peaceful. And that is enough for me.... at least right now.