One of the bad days...

Woke up this morning feeling that my head was at the point of exploding. Been having pounding headache throughout the night. Also, my right pelvis hurts like crazy when I walk or change position. Checked on the Internet and apparently this is another one of those problems which is common among some pregnant women. The term is call "Round Ligament Pain" and it happens because the ligament stretch and thickens to support the growing uterus, so every time when I apply pressure on my right side, I'll get a stabbing pain. Nothing much I can do about this, except to deliver the baby.

On top of these, Ivan, who has no idea that mummy is in pain from head to toe, was his usual self - wanted to play, wanted to be carried, wanted to be entertained. I was feeling so lousy, the last thing on earth I want to do is make dinner. I was willing to stab my own thigh if food can just appear on my table. (And I'm not kidding!) So I made the lazy man food which is not so healthy - meatballs with macaroni and brown sauce.....

With 2 more months to go, I can really feel my body going through more pain and stress. Luckily for me I have an extremely sweet and considerate husband and very good kids. They know that when mummy is unhappy, nobody is happy.

I asked hubby this morning, when all I want to do is to stay in bed the whole day, if he can take a day off, totally forgot that he is on his consultant assignment at Flextronics (An evil company and a stupid one too!). He laughed, thinking I was joking and realizing that I wasn't, said that he can't, looking extremely sorry. I should slap myself! I had made him feel guilty for not being able to stay home, I knew that his consulting assignment is running on very tight dateline and he really can't afford to be away. However, he did called a couple of times during the day to makes sure that I'm alright and hadn't suffer a mental breakdown.

This made me felt really bad the whole day. There are times when I don't put myself in my hubby's shoes. Some days I was so sick of making food, I'll asked him if we can have MacDonald's or pizza instead. Most time he'll agree. Once in a blue moon, he'll comment that we really can't afford to eat like this too often based on our current financial situation. *MacDonald is expensive here compared to back home in Singapore, a kid's meal cost 49kr (S$10.15) and a normal meal cost around 69kr (S$14.30)* We are not poor (in case my friends and relatives reading my blog now, is rushing to start a fundraising project for me!), however, Lars is not taking a lot of salary from his company (enough to support the family though) and I'm working at all, so it is understandable that we can't afford to have expensive meals too often.

I know he doesn't mean anything negative but just wants to remind me to be mindful of how we spend, but every time when he said that, I would feel like the biggest idiot in the world. I'm a stay-at-home mom, so my job is to keep the apartment in a reasonably clean condition, take care of the family and make healthy food. Hubby is the one bring home money, I don't bring home a single cent, instead there I was asking to buy expensive junk food to feed the family.... I should be ashamed.

Having living here for 3 years, I still feel like a foreigner. I don't speak Swedish, even though I can read and understand quite well. I guess this is just like some of us who are really afraid to speak in public. I always feel that people are scrutinizing my every word and pronunciation, in my mind a single mistake is being magnified a thousand times. Lars's family and relatives accepts Jovan, Angel and me with open arms. Kiddos speaks good and fluent Swedish but I still speaks English to everybody, even though all our family and friends speak Swedish to me. I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb because I refuse to speak Swedish, especially during family gatherings. I usually don't speak so much, which is a complete opposition of the real me. It was hard to shut me up back home in Singapore! Some times I let my mind wonders during the gatherings, so I'm quite sure that some of our relatives and friends might think that I'm weird or maybe even not so smart!

All these thinking make me miss home more. If we're in Singapore, I can get a fairly well-paid job, socialize with my friends and enjoying the support and help from my family (since we don't live so far away, Lars's mom and brother lives about 2 hours drive away from us - not possible to arrange any last minute baby-sitting at all). I guess what I really miss is being me, the one who brings home money and get satisfaction from a job well-done, instead of me now - the one who stays home, can't contribute to the family financially and likes to complain, I hate the me in Sweden. Some days these feelings are manageable, I can pull myself out of these thoughts and focus on the good things that I have - loving husband and good kids. Other days, these feelings just spiral out of control - all I want is to fly home.

Today is one of those bad days.